I heard it again this week when out shopping on a school day with my kids. “No school today?”
I smile. “No, actually we homeschool.”
Which is met with a shocked look followed by a weak smile “wow, you MUST be SUPERMOM”
The rest of the conversation usually goes something like, “What are the standards for that?” or “I could NEVER do that.” or “You're CRAZY!"
Supermom, huh? Boy do I wish! If only they knew... I am not that perfect put together pinterest mom who's got a daily routine and schedule to follow. We don't sit down with smiles and lesson plans ready to take on learning. Nope! That's not my reality. How about we grab a math book and wing it in while still in our pajamas at lunchtime with PB&J crumbs on our table and momma with yesterday's spit up still on her shirt? We often go way too long in between lessons and usually end up doing catch up summer school.
Somedays I feel determined, “I'm going to fill their little brains up today”, I get everything ready and get them to the table.
“I'm feeling good. Finally teaching them again! I can totally handle this!”
AND THEN IT HAPPENS:
“No, it's okay if you got the wrong answer. That's how you learn.”
AND
“That's why I am teaching you. You wouldn't need to be taught if you knew everything already.”
AND
“Your not going to argue with me about this are you? Do I have to prove it to you? Look it's right here in the answer key.”
It usually ends with someone running away crying. Not gonna lie, occasionally that's me!
I think,
“It's OK”, we'll try again when everyone's cooled off.”
AND..... then.... baby Tobiah wakes up from his nap and he's fussy. He's got a nose with the flow of Niagara Falls today and I'm so so tired right now. Maybe we can try again tomorrow.
I was told about having children that “the big adjustment is the second baby, but the third one is easy”. I think that may have come from an eager-to-have-more-grand-babies, Grandmother. And for some that's probably very true... but try it after your first two babies are 6 and 9 years old and think you've finally started to find a little rhythm in life. And by rhythm I really mean, no more diapers, and relatively used to the level of noise, laundry and dishes created by a family of four.... plus getting to sleep past 6 am most days.
I'd been babysitting a toddler, it wasn't so hard. I could totally handle a third kid. How hard could it really be? What I had forgotten to factor into the equation was being woken up to feed the baby every two hours (that's the good nights) and how much time a nursing mother has to spend with a baby on her lap! He eats, he falls asleep and you are too scared to try moving him after the rough night you both just had. “O LORD, Please tell me I remembered the TV remote or cell phone to keep me busy while he sleeps.”
This is also the first pregnancy that affected me with post-partum blues. I never knew how hard it could be. It's like the true you has gone missing and you're an empty shell with nothing left but exhaustion and tears. Thankfully it seems I've waded through the deepest part of my post-partum depression and grateful the shallows of it knock me off my feet less often.
At times in my 9 years of mothering I HAVE felt like a SUPERMOM: when I've helped my children understand right and wrong, when I've helped them accomplish something new, when I've been their champion, when I've kept calm during those moments of discipline. Some days I've even kept up with the mess with a smile on my face. And In those moments I've felt the Lord close to our family and felt I was making Him proud.
But then sometimes I've felt like a SUPERFAILURE: when I've been a bad example to my kids, when I've ignored them cause I'm too busy, when I've torn them down with unkind words, when I've lost my temper and yelled at them cause just won't listen, and so many days when I've complained that the house is a mess and I give up trying already! In these moments I've been hurting, at times broken and during this particularly difficult season even allowed it to make me feel that God is far away, and even if he were close he must be ashamed of me.
What I've held on to in these moments is the nature of our God and the truth of His words. Psalm 103 says:
103 Bless the Lord, O my soul;
And all that is within me, bless His holy name!
2 Bless the Lord, O my soul,
And forget not all His benefits:
3 Who forgives all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases,
4 Who redeems your life from destruction,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies,
5 Who satisfies your mouth with good things,
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
6 The Lord executes righteousness
And justice for all who are oppressed.
7 He made known His ways to Moses,
His acts to the children of Israel.
8 The Lord is merciful and gracious,
Slow to anger, and abounding in mercy.
9 He will not always strive with us,
Nor will He keep His anger forever.
10 He has not dealt with us according to our sins,
Nor punished us according to our iniquities.
11 For as the heavens are high above the earth,
So great is His mercy toward those who fear Him;
12 As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us.
13 As a father pities his children,
So the Lord pities those who fear Him.
14 For He knows our frame;
He remembers that we are dust.
15 As for man, his days are like grass;
As a flower of the field, so he flourishes.
16 For the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
And its place remembers it no more.
17 But the mercy of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him,
And His righteousness to children’s children,
18 To such as keep His covenant,
And to those who remember His commandments to do them.
19 The Lord has established His throne in heaven,
And His kingdom rules over all.
20 Bless the Lord, you His angels,
Who excel in strength, who do His word,
Heeding the voice of His word.
21 Bless the Lord, all you His hosts,
You ministers of His, who do His pleasure.
22 Bless the Lord, all His works,
In all places of His dominion.
Bless the Lord, O my soul!
This is also the first pregnancy that affected me with post-partum blues. I never knew how hard it could be. It's like the true you has gone missing and you're an empty shell with nothing left but exhaustion and tears. Thankfully it seems I've waded through the deepest part of my post-partum depression and grateful the shallows of it knock me off my feet less often.
At times in my 9 years of mothering I HAVE felt like a SUPERMOM: when I've helped my children understand right and wrong, when I've helped them accomplish something new, when I've been their champion, when I've kept calm during those moments of discipline. Some days I've even kept up with the mess with a smile on my face. And In those moments I've felt the Lord close to our family and felt I was making Him proud.
But then sometimes I've felt like a SUPERFAILURE: when I've been a bad example to my kids, when I've ignored them cause I'm too busy, when I've torn them down with unkind words, when I've lost my temper and yelled at them cause just won't listen, and so many days when I've complained that the house is a mess and I give up trying already! In these moments I've been hurting, at times broken and during this particularly difficult season even allowed it to make me feel that God is far away, and even if he were close he must be ashamed of me.
What I've held on to in these moments is the nature of our God and the truth of His words. Psalm 103 says:
103 Bless the Lord, O my soul;
And all that is within me, bless His holy name!
2 Bless the Lord, O my soul,
And forget not all His benefits:
3 Who forgives all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases,
4 Who redeems your life from destruction,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies,
5 Who satisfies your mouth with good things,
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
6 The Lord executes righteousness
And justice for all who are oppressed.
7 He made known His ways to Moses,
His acts to the children of Israel.
8 The Lord is merciful and gracious,
Slow to anger, and abounding in mercy.
9 He will not always strive with us,
Nor will He keep His anger forever.
10 He has not dealt with us according to our sins,
Nor punished us according to our iniquities.
11 For as the heavens are high above the earth,
So great is His mercy toward those who fear Him;
12 As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us.
13 As a father pities his children,
So the Lord pities those who fear Him.
14 For He knows our frame;
He remembers that we are dust.
15 As for man, his days are like grass;
As a flower of the field, so he flourishes.
16 For the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
And its place remembers it no more.
17 But the mercy of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him,
And His righteousness to children’s children,
18 To such as keep His covenant,
And to those who remember His commandments to do them.
19 The Lord has established His throne in heaven,
And His kingdom rules over all.
20 Bless the Lord, you His angels,
Who excel in strength, who do His word,
Heeding the voice of His word.
21 Bless the Lord, all you His hosts,
You ministers of His, who do His pleasure.
22 Bless the Lord, all His works,
In all places of His dominion.
Bless the Lord, O my soul!